My daughter openly tells him that she hates him and that he is a douche and that she wouldn't care if he was out of her life. While I do agree that you should be encouraging your daughter to share your husbands interests with him (and that includes showing an interest yourself), LW, I think a lot of this falls onto your husband doing kind of a crappy job at parenting. Her mission is to share practical and realistic parenting advice to help the parenting community becoming stronger. Dis you see this: He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed,. But every time they think theyve got it right, they find themselves, as if in a bad dream, back at ground zero, frustrated, undermined, and terribly confused. Bring stakes with them in case vampires show up. Would have I rather been at the mall or curled up on the couch with a good book? On the other hand it takes work for my mom and I to have things to bond over most of our conversations revolve around cooking (her passion that my sister did not pick up) and our dogs (unfortunately our dogs dont get along but we still trade dog stories all day). I think this is a great point. Not from Scranton either! I AM going to say, though, that they are a *substantial* part of why all of that happened. One activity we all enjoyed!!!! Actually, we dont know this girl but based on this letter, I think that the father is very concerned that she isnt well rounded. Making your kids do shit they dont necessarily like a lot is just life. What makes a person so hard to please or so unwilling to be predictable? July 3, 2013, 12:54 am, Uh oh some you will be called BSLBH. Obviously the ex spent a lot of time with his family (20 years) as they had a lot of gatherings. I agree with what Wendy said, but I also think the dad needs to show interests in her interests. Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that we end up with ridiculous escalating fights. Exactly! She SHOULD be more informed and its good that her dad wants her to be. And hed be more likely to help her find an actual interest, not just an ability to tolerate. I honestly think both parents are at fault. If you have any concerns that your husband is driving your daughter away, be sure to talk to him about it. (I should note now that I have 2 sisters and a brother, but this is before the younger two were born. But I agree with everything else you said. He would watch Full House or something with us. I was all set to like this until you said shes only TWELVEshell eventually grow out of the fangirldom. Why is it not ok for adults to like these shows?? You do her a disservice by being greedy with her time and attention. I didnt get the sense that the LW is only liking or disliking things to get closer to her daughter. Either the Dads behavior is bad enough that she needs to draw a line and tell him to stop with the eye-rolling and turning off the TV for no good reason; or it isnt and she needs to prioritize her marriage and get back to being team parent. Just like if she says like every other word someone needs to point that out and keep pointing it out until she does something about it. My stepfather and my mother told me I was weird and that Id regret it because Id never be popular or normal, or get boys to like me. By not actively encouraging your daughter to spend time with her father, even if it means doing things she may not actively be interested in, you keep her from being the full person she could be. I wonder about the contempt or underlying sexism expressed in the fathers attitude. We were so thrilled. Act like one. July 3, 2013, 1:14 am, Lily in NYC Hed come out and hit the ball or play catch or Horse. Id even argue that as the adult here, he should be putting in more of an effort to accept her for who she is and take an interest in what she likes, instead of the other way around. I get that it is tough to have her be mad at you sometimes even though you really enjoy the things she does, but that is just part of being a parent, and keeping a healthy marriage. And who knows how their relationship might blossom if you and your husband would only make nurturing it more of a priority. Only one parent here is enforcing assignments on their child. Ask the dentist: Why can some people not cope with the word 'fat'? Id hate it if a parent did that to me and Id hate it if my partner did that to me too. As a mum who has exactly the same issue, I cant help but feel that this advice missed the point. Saying they were weird made me feel like the lesser for having been touched by their stories. The mother is at a loss as to why her husband is driving her daughter away, but she has a few theories. When crazy-making partners are not driven by malevolent motives, they are very open to changing their behavior if it is pointed out in a non-judgmental environment. He's always putting him down. It is essential for a father to be involved in his daughters life and to show her love and attention. lets_be_honest But nurturing these relationships between your daughter and both you and your husband while exposing her to things that may or may not be of immediate interest to her WILL help her be a more well-rounded, confident young woman secure in the knowledge that both her parents love her. However, he is an adult and should know that assignments will not help them grow close. Do you have any idea how thrilled he was? The thing is, what the father is doing is rude. Just because FOX cancelled Firefly doesnt mean its not awesome anymore. I had NO IDEA what that was, so I did the can-can. Maybe raising a daughter with a social perspective. One of my MILs (I am so lucky; I get three, FML) has a serious issue with me I mean epic butt hurt level, because I CANNOT do board games or card games. My dream is to just have a commune where all my family lives together , honeybeenicki Meanwhile, hed try to force what he thought was important onto me. However, now as an adult, he appreciates my intelligence and how much thought and research I put into topics, even if we dont agree. Regardless of your beliefs, from the facts laid out, he is not an involved father. Gotta say, I disagree with the extreme nature of that statement. I would have been more open to doing different things if I wasnt told that there was something wrong or bad about the interests I did have. Theyve Seen Firsthand How Unhappy Their Parents Are, 3. If your husband wants a good relationship with his daughter he must first quit disparaging her and her interests and he must quit rolling his eyes. FIONA SAYS: Gently and with tact, though she's still likely to be upset. Build him up to your daughter while your opinion still means something to her. Im also coming from a place where I 100% agree with Wendy that her interests could also change next month or next year so its more about tone/approach/attitude than actual activities. The conflict between your husband and daughter is bound to happen. I agree mostly with your last paragraph, but I wonder how close the LWs perception of the assignments is to reality or whether it might actually be closer to what you described. You are so stupid, get some real hobbies.. My Dad and I had similar interests so it was real easy to build a relationship with him with my sister not so much, he didnt know how to relate to her as she had all the same interests as my mother. WWS. I dont know that I really have a favorite anymore I just like that theyre together again. I feel like the mother may be inadvertently teaching the daughter that its OK to make it all about yourself. No. But he also doesnt need to pretend to like whatever she is in to. Instead of a camping trip they could go for a bike ride together, with a friend, or walk a trail in a local park. I have to agree to me the dads attitude is the problem here. Of course its going to drive her away from him. Generally, Ive found that geeky fandoms have more respect for and interest in learning than, say, those who follow the Kardashians would. I did so out of obligation and obedience, but now that Im older, I certainly appreciate what I learned, and wish I had paid more attention than I did. My parents did stuff with me because I wanted to and vice versa, of course thats important! Liquid Luck Its almost like shes commiserating with her daughter as though hes her father also. Theres no reason why reading books and an interest in musicals and playing music make someone uninformed, one persons preference for geography over literature doesnt make them more informed than the other one! July 2, 2013, 12:12 pm. Our differences are what make people interesting. I feel like Im in a relationship with two people, one who really loves me and his evil twin who emerges without warning or reason.. Older and (hopefully) wiser July 3, 2013, 2:36 pm. Game of Thrones? If he hadnt put in the time when I was a kid, I doubt wed have that relationship. Tell you daughter its important she spend time with her dad and why. Shouldnt some autonomy be introduced at an appropriate age? Then ice cream after. The daughter goes hiking, but the father cant say anything nice when his daughter talks about her interests. Help her get excited about the real science and history behind the fiction she enjoys. Seeing him cultivate her interests and introduce her to things I never would have has been a blessing. lets_be_honest YUCK. Both of them are alike in that they are argumentative, particularly with each other, and if they disagree with each other or even have a misunderstanding neither will let it go, such that WE end up with ridiculous escalating fights.. July 2, 2013, 4:19 pm. I know you said you dont want to hear about counseling and your problem isnt communication, but really? Shes driving me crazy and I dont know how long I can take it.. Maybe even consider making those things, like hiking or whatever, family events, so that its not a choice between a fun thing with mom and a thing she doesnt like as much with dad. Thats awesome! Just saying, theyre definitely still popular. Well-said, courtney. My free advice e-newsletter, Heroic Love, shows you how to avoid the common pitfalls that keep people from finding and keeping romantic love. My grandparents have a VHS of her wishing my cousin and I happy birthday. THIS is the problem, not the fact that a 12-year-old girl likes 12-year-old girl things. Yeah, apparently mine were fans all along, but there were no records in the house, unlike the other two. Of course, few 12-year-olds are really *excited* to have to read stuff from the Wall Street Journal, or to be asked to do mental math about ROTH versus traditional IRAs. Older and (hopefully) wiser Essie I think you are looking at this through your own pov. When my family went on vacations as a kid, I didnt get a say in where we went. I agree weddings can be stupid . Otherwise, how are kids going to learn tolaugh at themselves? Just. It doesnt necessarily mean I hate it when you talk about Buffy. Saying his mom walked out because he hates him. When you try to get them to acknowledge what they are doing by weaving the past into the present, they dont agree with your account of what happened. The things she listed that her daughter is into isnt mindless pop culture. Most passive aggressive folks have two things in common: 1. In fact, according to a recent study, nearly one in four people say they would encourage their parents to get a divorce if they were unhappy in their marriage. Because my dad took the time to foster this in me, it has not only made my relationship with him stronger, but with others as well. Hes embarrassing her. Not seeing their daughters as people who can make good decisions. Okay, Harry Potter maybe. Or else hes doing a disservice to her. July 2, 2013, 11:05 am. How about trying to find an interest that all 3 of you could enjoy together? Maybe they have communicated about this many times, but obviously there havent been any results yet! 1. She is also noncompetitive. WWS, and YOU need to stop pulling away from your husband, because he doesnt have the same interests as your daughter. Sad. July 3, 2013, 1:13 am, Wait, is it possible to watch Sarah Michelle Gellar try to act and NOT roll your eyes? My husband is a HUGE Firefly fanboy. I know, Buffy was the weakest link in Buffy (is that irony?). Absolutely. July 2, 2013, 12:17 pm. Crazy-makers often give up the love they most desperately need when they feel any sense of an obligatory payback. And my husband tried; he can shoot bow and arrow (his dads favorite) very well, can recognize animal tracks, knows a number of out-doorsy tricks.it was never good enough. Mythbusters and other shows have done a number of episodes on sci-fi meet reality, too. If youre not sure how to establish or improve your bond with your daughter, here are five tips: In conclusion, it is evident that a daughter needs her fathers guidance and support, especially during her teenage years. And of course. Sometimes it can be a simple matter of communication, or a lack thereof. I mean, people always try to paint themselves in the best possible light and their opponent in the worst. Randi Gunther, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor practicing in Southern California. lets_be_honest I dont know why the father doesnt like Star Trek, but shows like Eureka, Warehouse 13, and Revolution are all pretty good cross sections of fangirlyness and science. I was an only child, so my moms attention was nice, but I do remember thinking as a child that I wished she was normal in that she was more like a mom than a friend. I was hoping to be able to tell her that she has a grandbaby coming, but its still too early to know. Its not rocket science. My teenage kids are miserable & he treats them like they are toddlers. The dad needs to get over his superiority complex and then the daughter might stop pulling away. Cant even describe how much I hate hate hate them!! My junior daughter does & my husband complains all the time that she has no need for a cellphone except when she is driving. Im not saying that to excuse the dads behavior if hes being mean, but if the LW truly wants to do the best thing for her daughter, she needs to do something that 1) Doesnt encourage her daughter to dislike her dad and 2) Actually makes him stop being mean, because what shes doing now clearly isnt working. bittergaymark I think the good sign is that LWs daughters interests tend towards the geeky. How Psychologically Conditioned Rats Are Defusing Landmines, 7 Ticking Time Bombs That Destroy Loving Relationships, The Single Best (and Hardest) Thing to Give Up, 3 Ways to Reclaim Your Hope and Happiness. And my dad is a veritable warehouse of rocknroll trivia when a new song came on, hed often share a fact he knew about the band (Did you know Rush is a three-person band, and that the bassist is the lead singer?), or tell us about a concert he went to in his youth (hes been on stage with Ozzy, yall, close enough to see the O-Z-Z-Y tattooed across his knuckles), or quiz me and my brother to see if we knew who the band was or what the song was. July 2, 2013, 1:26 pm. Im willing to bet you (and me and others) would have done the same thing back to him when he mentioned something that you didnt like. It will also provide a model for her of living a rich adulthood, embracing passions and sharing passions them with the people you love (and showing interest in their passions!). Of course they have an us against him mentality when he acts like that. It is best to talk with a counselor or therapist if you believe there is serious dysfunction in your marriage. Yours on their own will just isolate her as, frankly, many out there find fangirls and fanboys annoying. July 2, 2013, 11:17 am, Skyblossom Just saying that I dont consider Buffy the Vampire Slayer a mature, intelligent show. 2.5K views, 176 likes, 19 loves, 3 comments, 12 shares, Facebook Watch Videos from Inframundo Relatos: SPOTIFY:. July 2, 2013, 12:07 pm. We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. Ask the GP: Could taking statins affect your dreams? He can take care of himself." Like many women,. Anyway, a person shouldnt be forced to read something they find boring, but I think that its reasonable for the dad to try to encourage that so that she grows up knowing theres stuff outside of her pop culture interests. If your H has strong BPD traits, his child-like behavior is easy to explain because his emotional development likely is frozen at about age four. Or are they just not able to love without losing themselves? Otherwise theyll never be able accept the ribbing and teasing that happens in life. Hes got to find ways to connect his interests with hers. Id love to hang out with her. When they are able to see the effect it has on the ones they love without being seen as intending to harm, they are surprisingly willing to change. Let them know that, in your eyes, they are precious and beautiful beyond . He's worked extremely hard for as long as I have known him, and provided a good home for me and our three children. Its so longgggggggg! But that means he has to find something that *will* interest her, which means hes got to make some effort as well. He wasnt invested in making mini-hims at all, and I am so grateful for my dad. He is dedicated and hard-working. One centering dynamic is to be each other's 'coaches,' and to offer each other feedback and support in managing the kid with the behavior problem." Dealing with your distress, your kid's distress,. Too little time to post! Is It My Fault If My Partner And Daughter Dont Get Along? I didnt say all mature and intelligent adults like Buffy or Star Trek, Im just saying there are mature and intelligent adults who like Buffy or Star Trek. You became a drudge, in spite of him being a great guy and loving you madlybecause. I cant concentrate, I get bored, shit distracts me, I have to deal with the kids/dogs/etc and then people bitch Im not there to play, then I play badly as Im not paying attention.. so I try to get out of it then get all snitty reactions since Im not joining in having fun. You and your husband are partners and your job is to guide your daughter lovingly into adulthood, giving her all the tools you can to be independent, strong, and self-assured. Or raising a child who should have a bigger perspective about the world and what is going on. He had an inflated sense of self-importance that led him to believe he was superior and entitled to only the best. So, dont deprive your daughter of the sort of things you learn about life when doing not fun things with one of your parents. EVER. My fave was Joey for the record. He went to jail for beating up his new wife and hurting her little boy. As a kid, I was really into the idea of going to museums and seeing plays, but my parents refused to indulge me on it because they wanted me to like the outdoors, hunting, etc. Why Does Your Daughter Wants You To Leave Your Husband? Please do try to give the same gift to your daughter. Required fields are marked *. She and my dad didnt have much of a relationship, so she kind of looked to me to be her BFF, and I had a lot more in common with her. We are extremely close and love doing the same things. July 2, 2013, 2:27 pm. Seriously, this guy is an asshole. Moreover, his interests could actually I dunno help make her a more well rounded person. . Like my sister loves Elvis, because my parents use to always listen to the Elvis hour on Sundays on the local oldies station, I didnt like Elvis then, so choose not to listen to it, I put my walkman on with Metallica, and Red Hot Chilli Peppers in it. I think she may have deactivated. but this might be the best Ive ever read here. Engage in any behavior that gaslights my daughter in law. Interested in science? ! He rolls his eyes and tries to get them to stop talking about stuff that theyre interested in. She didnt even have to lock me in the basement. Are any of these familiar to you? Shes doing archery and piano, Id say thats enriching. I wouldnt say they are musical magicians or anything, but they can still put on a good show. lets_be_honest This young girl sounds like shes already quite cultured! However, if you do decide to stay together, know that its possible to overcome this obstacle and build a strong family bond. MY HUSBAND is not an emotional man and has always found it difficult to talk about how he feels. Make it a game. I think most people worry about their daughters if they arent active enough and lay around watching tv or reading too much. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. Guy asked me out and now makes me feel bad for saying no. I think it still disappoints him that I dont enjoy it, and havent watched it all. Is there a middle ground? Im not trying to argue with you Mark, I see your point and agree with much of it I just think its possible that the daughter is the one who introduced Mom to some of these things, and Mom became a fan. And in the end its the time together, more than what youre actually doing, that makes the difference. Spyglassez July 2, 2013, 2:59 pm. Ive grown up to be a very accomplished writer, and my dad loves to read what I write. Why is my husband driving my daughter away?. Ive been there. Shes lashing out and pushing back because hes hurting her. I had his favorite dinner prepared and all possible distractions blocked. Here are 5 common ways I unintentionally pushed my husband away. I wonder, though, if it would seem less like forcing if maybe the mother and father both liked to camp? Watching their relationship blossom into a father-daughter one makes me realize how lucky I was when he became family to us. and hes an attorney, and Im sure the rest of the family wants to stab us). I know that we all love the music from our generation. I would suggest, while lending an ear to her feelings about her father, gently suggesting she go to him and tell him, without whining or accusing (I dont know that she does either, but I know that tends to shut people down) how his rejection of her makes her feel. (I threw it all up and cried. And not just to me and your husband. bittergaymark Really truly. Other times, it may be something more complicated, such as unresolved feelings of jealousy or resentment. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. Or other strategy games (Small World, Ivanhoe, Nuns on the Run) might be a great way for all of you to connect. Heck no! I hated, and still do, all of those things. And the activities that your husband wants your daughter to do arent horrible, they are actually really good for her. Psychology Today 2023 Sussex Publishers, LLC, Psychology and the Mystery of the "Poisoned" Schoolgirls. I actually wish my parents had exposed me to more things, even things I didnt like. So theres no harm in him humoring her while it lasts (& for gods sake, letting her play a couple One Direction songs or whatever in the car). She can only control her own behaviour, which is why Wendy is addressing hers and not his. Another possibility is that her husband doesnt understand how to connect with his daughter on an emotional level. Totally agree on the respect issue. July 2, 2013, 12:31 pm, Happy birthday to your mom! My inner fan girl is all riled up now =). It was always classic rock radio in the car, and at home he usually had some background music going, often from his own enormous collection of CDs that included everything from classic rock to blues to zydeco. I didnt say she was liking or disliking things to get close to her daughter. If this girl is a only child and is used to having her mom love all the same things she does, then she may not be particularly receptive to reading about something that doesnt interest her or doing things she doesnt like. I take little credit for how lucky I am. It may be up to this mom to protect her daughter, especially if the fights she describes keep getting worse. July 3, 2013, 3:26 am, You probably know this already but Meribor = Picards daughter. My mistake then we read the play and watched the movie, and they went NUTS for the story. Do they really want intimacy but fear that their need will end up in entrapment? He's been this way for some time, so I suspect he will not change quickly nor easily. Dad used people for his own good. July 3, 2013, 3:16 am. See a different horoscope: Select Ha! than it is to have fun with them although you should have fun while doing so. I forgive you!. But science fiction and fantasy can deal with the mature themes with a nuanced perspective- some of the stories in Star Trek were written to to deal with historical events like WWII. But believe it or not, a lot of my nerdy students do like Buffy quite a few of them go to conventions, and as far as I can tell, theyre just giant nerd festivals, so its actually kind of easy to encounter something that was popular 15 years ago because where there are nerds, there is Buffy. 1. Youre right, though. Also, I want to tell an awesome story about my dad. 1. Often, in their own backgrounds, they have seen a too-good-to-be-true martyred parent in a devoted relationship with a partner who would not acknowledge their caring.
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